I’m Gonna Get You High…Cuz It’s Friday, You Ain’t Got No Job And You Ain’t Got Sh*t To Do…Plus I Have Some Extra!

I read a lot news stories. I meet a lot of people. But once in a while, once every blue moon, I come across a story, a person so special, so indescribably special…I just want to sign ‘em for the damn Special Olympics with all the other special kids so they can all be winners.

Is it me or is this chick not clappin’ with both hands? (click here)

I don’t even know where to begin, people. I can’t even get my brain wrapped around how stupid this chick is. First of all, anyone with 13 suitcases weighing 506 lbs is up to no good as sure as everyone named Candy is destined to be a stripper at some point in her (or, let’s face it, his) life. 506 lbs! C’mon, peoples, it’s either gonna be drugs in those suitcases OR the chopped up remains of a really chunky neighbor. Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. Plus is there anyone reading this article who does not believe the original weight was 510 lbs? How do you think she concocted this whole plan in the first place. This plan is much like taking your new cell phone apart to figure out where you lost your dial tone. Only a good idea when you’re high. Secondly, where the hell is she finding her staff? It’s hard to find good help! And her help is good! Dumb as monkey poop. But good! They assist, they guard AND they carry bags? Puh-lease! I once had a housekeeper who wouldn’t even do the damn dishes without giving me a whole buncha effin’ sass. If I had asked her to carry bags, I suspect I would be a weird odor coming outta one of those suitcases right now.

And if all that wasn’t was a dead-ass give away, this broad had 3 cell phones, cocaine, crack pipes, bongs and financials, yes, I said financials, in her possession. In other words, she put that shit in QuickBooks. I read that line over and over again because I really wanted it to say something different…about her, about the human gene pool in general, and about us as a people. I keep holdin’ out for hope that we are not as dumb as we look. But ever since the LifeLock guy gave the world his social security number on T.V., the course human evolution was pulled into a colossal vortex and reversed. Even typing this post is getting harder by the second as my thumbs become less and less opposed to my fingers. So I guess now drug dealers are packaging up their incriminating evidence into neat, convenient little do-it-yourself “stack and track” arrest kits so that DEA can enjoy one stop shopping for all their forensic needs?

*Sigh* Anyway…so, now this chick caught a case, undoubtedly for some raggedy man who can’t pull his hand out of his shorts long enough to call her mama to get the bail money. She ’bout to do a bid for possession and intent to distribute. Which is shame, because anyone lookin’ at her knows that the true crime against humanity is that eyeliner. Remember, ladies…makeup’s your FRIEND if you remember to BLEND!

4 thoughts on “I’m Gonna Get You High…Cuz It’s Friday, You Ain’t Got No Job And You Ain’t Got Sh*t To Do…Plus I Have Some Extra!

  1. It’s really no big deal. Watch the movie “casino” and look how dumb those “criminal masterminds” were.

    “Candy” better watch her pie and cornhole in prison. Her boss might have straight up “women who are built like mack trucks who like other women” throw her a surprise shower party

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