Category Archives: Kids

Who’s Afraid Of Dating The Big Bad Wolf??

Posted on July 28, 2010 | 5 Comments

Has it come to this?  Singles, I know the pickins are slim but damn!  The statistics are frightening and the reality can be discouraging but we have to make sure for our own sanity and perhaps our own safety that we don’t mistake being somebody’s somebody for being anybody’s somebody.    Not everyone deserves the opportunity to impact our lives and the lives of the little ones who depend on us.

This is a real tragedy.  (click here)  Devastating!  Let’s not waste the lesson in it.  I’ll admit you never know what folks are experiencing until you walk a mile in their shoes but I’d like to think that, as a therapist, I wouldn’t marry any student – especially if the class I taught was anger management.  The suspect just got out of jail, then had to attend anger management class.  And if I was going to marry someone who has to take a special class to manage his anger, I’d like to think I wouldn’t pick a recent graduate.  Perhaps I’d pick someone with an advanced degree in anger management.  Maybe someone who passed the practicum with flying colors or published a paper on it.  We certainly wouldn’t be moving his tassel from one side to the other on the way to the altar.  The last thing I need is to finally find my soul mate only to be stabbed 57 times with a butter knife because I didn’t pass him the gravy the first time he asked.

Not to trivialize this…because the real tragedy is the child who lost his mother and the tremendous hurdle he’ll spend the rest of his life trying to clear.  Perhaps he’ll continue the cycle of abuse, certainly he’ll have anger of his own to conquer.  With a bit of blessing, the remaining adults in his life will squeeze out of this horrific experience the only possible teaching moment – violence is not a means of communication, for anger or any other emotion.

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Posted in Crime, Kids, Relationships

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Ahhh, Glasshoppah, Once Again, The Student Has Surpassed The Teacher…

Posted on July 8, 2010 | 3 Comments

According to this article, [click here]  Levi Johnston has come forward to clarify the accuracy of personal statements made about the Palin family.  In other words, he claims he was lyin’, y’all.

I read his apology and found his words to be eloquent and apropos.  It was a honorable apology by he who has grown into quite an honorable man.

We should all be so lucky to have our teenaged daughters knocked up by such an honorable young man as this.

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Posted in Kids, Politics

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Little Johnny Can’t Read Because One Of The Three R’s Was Hijacked For (R)ight-Leaning Agenda.

Posted on May 22, 2010 | 4 Comments

 I just reviewed the bio of each member of the Texas State Board of Education. The recent decisions they made about the curriculum (click here) are no surprise when you learn that of the 15-member board, only 6 have any hands-on teaching experience within the community they profess to serve. Why on earth is it a logical decision to ask non-educators to make decisions about school curriculum? Clearly, the key decision makers in Texas must have been educated, well, in Texas. (Please note the punctuation lest my comment could easily be misread as being “educated well in Texas” which the Texas SBOE has just turned into an oxymoron)

Now having gotten that question off my chest, I gotta look at the process and call it appropriate. I’m not being critical of the process at all. Texas has exercised it’s just right under the Constitution to make this decision…and the Constitution, my friends, is no specific lover of children. So, we as a country just need to prepare ourselves for a coupla generations of ignorant ass poop-flingers from Texas. Only this time, let’s not make ‘em President.

To be fair to the makeshift educators, I’ve met some of these kids. I know what you’re up against cuz I gotta say…these kids comin’ up today, well, let’s just either some of them have extra chromosomes or methinks we’ve room for improvement in our education system. It’s not their fault, it’s ours. We haven’t taught them the basics – how it’s harder to swallow your food before you chew it (biology,) how just because a glass door is clear doesn’t mean we don’t have to open it first before running through it (physics,) how you shouldn’t drink something just because it smells good even if Daddy lets the car drink it (Daddy?  what’s that? anywho…) how tellin’ your Aunt Kym to shut up will get you dropped like a bad habit (survival) Without this basic knowledge, I agree with the Texas SBOE, we can’t hardly ask these babies to use any critical thinking skills during the hours of 9:00a and 3:00pm. (Now, before you get mad at me for calling the babies out, look over at your kids…is one of ‘em doin’ something dumb right now? Tasting the soap because it looks creamy, perhaps? I know, baby…I’m on YOUR side)

Now that I’ve said that, let me also say – I think both sides of this equation suck. The Texas SBOE is not changing a system that’s in fine working order. The current curricula seems to be leaning a little far to the left. That’s the problem with leaning too far in any direction, you galvanize the other side and the pendulum will eventually swing far in the opposite direction. I’m no educator so I don’t know…but can’t we just present the children with all of the knowledge and let them make age-appropriate decisions for themselves? Can we just teach them that almost everything they encounter in life will come with multiple perspectives and that their job is to look at all sides and follow their conscience? Must we force feed them our own narrow-minded views and myopia? Are we so afraid of intelligent children that we’d rather feed them a steady diet of video games, overly processed foods and already chewed information?

I don’t know much. And I ain’t got no kids. But I do know that ignorance is a hell of a legacy. If you think we got it bad now, come back and visit fifty years from now after we’ve sanitized our new generation of leaders of the ability to think and innovate and evolve. This is the foundation of America, a country founded by thinkers and believers. Oh! And slaves. Why do we keep forgetting the slaves?

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Posted in Kids, Politics

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Don’t Listen To Them, Listen To Me! I’m A Republican, I Know Spanking.

Posted on April 13, 2010 | 10 Comments

Spanking is a strong predictor of violence in children before the age of 5.  (click here)  Really?  And here all this time I thought it was a strong predictor of who’s NOT going to be robbing banks by the age of 9. 

Listen, I know these are smart folks.  I know they work at Tulane and they’re doctors, these are not stupid people.  I suspect that they are not sexy people either but that’s a post for another day.  What we need to rap a taste about today is these damn kids that are completely out of control…and I think these studies are to blame.

NOW, you know good and HELL WELL (for emphasis and for your information, I did a pregnant pause between HELL and WELL cuz I meant it!) that these bad ass kids need a good, old-fashioned foot-in-your-ass, knock ‘em out with one punch…and then wake ‘em up with another punch beatdown every now and again.  But instead they’re getting time outs and that, my good educated people, is why they stay cussin’ their mamas out in front of the candy shelf at the cash register, in the line at the bank, at the Jiffy Lube (where I once saw a child cuss his mama OUT like she stole his winning lottery ticket for telling him “that we agreed we weren’t going to play with our privates outside.”  He cussed her out so bad, I couldn’t bear her shame.  That was just too much trauma for me, I had to leave the damn Jiffy Lube in a jiffy but sho’ nuff without the lube!) at the table at The Olive Garden — you name it, these kids are large and in charge.  Although Michelle Obama is working on the first problem, we gotta get a handle on the second.  That’s right, I’m calling your big, bulbous, bossy, badass babies out!

Folks, let’s not ignore history.  The fact is, for generations, our folk have been hands on with the babies.  No one is saying to beat these kids to a pulp but you can take a child and smack some sense into them every now and again without worry that they’re going to get all O-ren Ishii on your ass for calling the shots when they get out of order.  The truth is there is wisdom in the old ways.  Despite this article’s assertion that your child’s fear is something to be avoided, the truth is actually different:  your child’s fear is to be cultivated and then harnessed.  Fear of getting burned is why they don’t touch the stove and that’s a good thing because it leads to a safe, productive outcome.  The same logic applies.  You want that fear to work for you.  Don’t listent ot them folks who tell you that your kids shouldn’t be afraid of you.  Yes, they should — particularly before this big, corn-fed boy outgrows your ass and you completely lose control.  You gotta get the upper psychological hand early. 

I totally get that when it comes to kids discipline is not “one size fits all.”  It takes a combination of methods throughout your child’s formative years.  Developing your child’s social and behavioral boundaries will likely be a lifelong endeavor as you reach each milestone ahead of him or her.  Indeed, as much as your child watched and learned about work ethic when you left him early every morning at the breakfast table, he will watch you finally crawling the last mile to a hard-fought retirement.  As you gather your things and walk past your child’s curious gaze, eyeing him lovingly as he turns back to his bowl of cereal…smack the back of his head so his face hits the Cheerios and make sure the milk splashes.  Why you gotta be the only one goin’ to work?  That grown m#%&% is sittin’ at home eating Cheerios while you take your ass to work because 40 years ago, yo’ dumb ass chose the time out rather than the knock out!

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Big Mac, Filet o’Fish, Foreign Baby, French Fries, Quick Adoptions, Thick Shakes, Takebacks and Apple Pies!

Posted on April 10, 2010 | Leave a comment

I blame this on Angelina Jolie and Madonna.  (click here) What the HELL would make you think you could adopt a baby from Russia, bring him to the U.S., screw his little psyche all up and then send his ass back because he’s not actin’ right?  If everyone who’s kid acted an ass could pack him up and fly him to another country, there’d be no damn kids in America! See, these celebrities will make you think this adoption mess is quick and easy but there is nothing, I mean nothing,  like pickin’ up a quick, little foreign ass McBaby only to find out he got plans to burn yo’ house down…with you in it.

Don’t get me wrong, adopting a kid is easy…when your paper is long.  You can have all kinds of nannies, psychologists and Mexicans to smooth out the rough spots.  But if you’re just ass out, then be prepared to be rode hard and hung up wet once or twice throughout the process.  After all, look at what you did – you took a seven year old from the only home he’s known, put him through a 14 hour plane ride to a strange country…Tennessee of all places, where he really stands out without a cousin to hump or BB gun to shoot ‘coons off the fence.  (Twenty bucks says you can’t guess if I’m talking about a rodent or not) He’s got no idea what’s going on – no more friends, no more vodka, no more bear wrestling.  So, of course, he smacks you a couple-twenty times.  It’s a stress reliever, little Nikolai got the KGB on his ass, nonstop Miley Cyrus on the radio AND dude in the next trailer looks decidedly like Jason Bourne.  Who wouldn’t start a small fire in the living room under these conditions?

And what the hell is wrong with the woman who adopted him?  Damn, even if I wanted to return a sweater to the store, I would accompany it back to the store.   I hate to say it…no, I damn don’t!  I LOVE TO SAY IT!  I hope her ass is arrested.  She needs to catch a case behind this one.  That child was in her custody, legally he is her child, even if he is a little psycho.  In this country, you can’t put your 7 year old on a plane to send him to another country into the custody of a perfect stranger without spending some time in a cell spooning with Frankie the pre-op Latin King who tries to lure you outta your knickers with the pruno she bought for 40 loosies and the birthday money her husband put on her commissary.  Wait!  What the hell were we talking about?  Oh, yeah!  Should this lady be allowed to get away with this because the kid is not American?  C’MON!! We gotta do better than this, people!

But in a broader sense, isn’t there something wrong with a chick who can turn a sick child away like that? I mean, ain’t we supposed to be hardwired to be all tender and shit?  At the very least, she coulda tethered him to a pole out back until the meds started to kick in.  I swear!  Some broads just ain’t fit for motherhood.

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Posted in Kids, Russia

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Who Are We? The Gilmore Girls? Get the Hell Outta My Face With That Friendship Mess, Kid!

Posted on April 3, 2010 | 8 Comments

Everybody had already seen Purple Rain but me.  I was startin’ to lose my street cred so I asked my dad if I could go and just for asking if I could see an rated R movie…I spent the rest of the night in my room wonderin’ when I was going to learn to duck faster while the cuckoo birds circled my head until my eyes uncrossed.  And I ain’t have no jazzy room, either.  My parents didn’t believe in trickin’ out no kids room with T.V.s and video games and stuff like that.  I had four walls and a clock radio with a missing knob and every encyclopedia known to mankind.  So, basically I had to spend a night in the joint cuz in my parents’ house, you weren’t even allowed to ask to do something that kids ain’t have no business doing.  Forget doin’ the damn thing, you bett’ not even ASK to do it.

I think kids need a bit of that today.  Cuz maybe then this (click here) wouldn’t have happened.

This story is tragic. My heart goes out to the family of this young man, especially his parents.  But I gotta ask…what the HELL is a 17-year old boy doing in Florida, 1,000 miles from his parents, during Spring Break?  Now before all the nutballs come out and tell me that he could have gotten himself killed under his parents’ supervision, I agree.  That’s exactly where my child would have to get himself killed.  Because under my direct supervision (or someone that I trust) is the only place his ass is gonna be during Spring Break.  And if asks me otherwise, he gonna have a problem on his hands.  He’s gonna hafta figure out how to extricate himself from a tangled, Tasmanian devil mess of a little beige mama. 

Let me just go ahead and say – nothing good has ever come out of Spring Break.  Now, that may be hurtful to all the kids who were conceived during a Spring Break somewhere but it’s true.  We’ve all done or heard about Spring Break, we’ve, at least, all seen what goes on there…so, parents, stop foolin’ yourselves, the kids stay drunk, get high, hook up, walk around 1/2 naked – no, let’s be honest, get 7/8 naked thanks to the advent of the thong bikini, bulbous body parts and naughty bits everywhere.  Not your little Sarah?  Puh-leaze!!  If you believe that – then her little ass is probably the little nekkid freaky ringleader.  After all, it ain’t called Girls Gone Church, it’s called Girls Gone Wild. 

When you’re an adult that’s your choice. 

 But a kid in high school is not an adult.  Just cuz they’re big’uns, don’t mean they’re grown.  For some reason, we never figure that out until it’s too late.  In my opinion, a 17 year olds are not mature enough to have their own car unsupervised, stay home alone overnight, and to not have to account for where their money comes from or what they spend it on.  They’re not old enough to entertain when there are no adults present.  As far as I’m concerned, they’re not even old enough to make their own dietary decisions.  Red Hot Cheetos and Mountain Dew ain’t no good dinner!  They’ve been given more autonomy then they can handle because parents have to work to make ends meet – houses ain’t free – but the reality is, one has only to pick up a newspaper or listen to the news to know – they’re not doing a good job of managing the freedom. 

Later this week, this family will bury their son and brother and consider themselves lucky because Natalee Holloway’s mother has yet to get her little girl back.  Hopefully, the rest of us will pull the reigns in tighter on our young people.  It’s ok to tell them little a-holes, “No” every once in a while.  The last thing I need in my life is a 17-year old friend.  They can kiss my ass with that friendship shit.  I haven’t been tasked with turning them into good friends, I’ve been tasked with turning them into good people.  And with these ignant ass kids nowadays…ya can’t do both.   The kids that I’M responsible for will be managed until they’re 21.  They should feel lucky if I don’t go ahead and arrange a marriage for ‘em.  I can’t be taking no chances on L’il Magic bringing home a gold-grilled bama in turquoise gators to match his turquoise suit and, oh lawd!, cummerbund or L’il Junior eloping with Platinum, the overly flexible former stripper who, at 30, comes packaged as an instant family flanked by several kids and one, according to their matching tattoos, grandbaby.

(sigh)  Help me, Jesus!!  Where is my belt?

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Teen Terrorists: Where is Chemical Al Sharpton When You Need Him?

Posted on March 26, 2010 | 8 Comments

 

Someone needs to come clean.

These are not flash mobs. (click here) These are gangs of assholes.  And every last face I saw in those mobs was black.

Some how our teenagers have their lost way.  Don’t get me wrong, I know other races are having problems with their kids as well.  But this ain’t ’bout them, this ’bout us.  Sometimes, you just gotta Celie wit’ it.

Here’s what I think happened.  These children are the first generation of black kids to NOT be afraid of their parents.  And they don’t really know what to do with that.  White kids ain’t never been afraid of their parents.  They been cussin’ their parents out in Target for hundreds of years.  Over time, black kids have observed this, practiced it and eventually used their new skill to break free of parental fear.  Now these children are running the streets and wreaking havoc because our culture, in particular, doesn’t work without parental fear.  We’re very Asian that way.  I know one thing, Armageddon is when Asian kids stop fearing their parents and rebel.  Ever tower over a yellow flash mob by two whole feet?  Anyway, this is a very real and universal problem because everyone knows black kids are trendsetters.  They do something, make it smoke…and before you know it there’s a gang of 30 pie-faced farm kids in Iowa flash mobbing the local dairy farm, leaving a herd of tipped cows in it’s wake.  We will have lost control of the country.

The mayor of Philadelphia and the local authorities are planning to call a curfew.  All kids under 18 will have to be inside by midnight.  Great!  Now the flash mobs will now start earlier.  That’s exactly what I want – to worry about navigating the underground concourse during rush hour in downtown Philadelphia…being trapped with and trampled by a gang of teenagers underground.  No, that’s so not the answer.

But I have an idea.

See, parents are tired, particularly the single parents.  God bless ‘em…I don’t think many would choose to raise a child alone if there was a better option.  But sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.  So, here are parents working full time jobs (sometimes more) to provide for these ignant ass kids.  At the end of the day, they are exhausted from 10-12 hours of pickin’ cotton…can they really be expected to tack on 6-8 hours of wrasslin’ monkeys?  No! Of course not!

According to my plan, single childless people are the answer.  What we need the single people to do is flash mob these neighborhoods and high schools…and start knockin’ kids out with one punch.  Just…POW!!!  These kids are only messing with the folks who won’t take…their…little…asses…OUT!!  Drop ‘em like it’s hot, one after the other.  Just walk up to a teenager, cock yo’ fist back and get straight to the molly whop!  Bring back the spanky leg!  Break them bitches in!  Get all Kimbo Slice with it!  Clearly the passive parenting techniques are not working.  (Disclaimer:  Be careful!  These corn-fed babies ain’t the same size they used to be either.  Remember, Little Magic works after school catchin’ big dogs for animal control…without a net)  It’s time to return to the times when black kids were so scared of our parents that we pee’d in our pants when our daddies were on the way home from work to administer the smack down.  We ain’t have no flash mobs back then.  All we had was the flash of life that passed before our eyes when we screwed up.

We gotta take responsibility for this.  Every one of those children was black.  That’s embarrassing.  But what’s more embarrassing is the silence our leadership during times like this.  Now, if after the flash mob, a white person had stood up and called on of those flash mobbin’ kids a coon, Al and Jesse woulda marched on Philly in their dashiki preachin’ robes, arm in arm, singing Rough Side Of  The Mountain.  In spite of all our demands of accountability from the power structure, we’ve forgotten to lead by example.  And lemme tell you…the powers that be?  They will gun our children down.  They ain’t worried ’bout no black kids!  If we don’t manage our children, the authorities will.

I hate to see all this potential loss.  In every flash mob, I see beautiful faces that represent the most brilliant minds, the most loving spirits, the most artistic souls…a most indefatigable people.  And I will personally beat a teenager’s ASS before I let them mess up our good thing!

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Choking Hazard: If Your Kid Chokes On A Hot Dog, The Other Kids May Kick His Ass

Posted on February 23, 2010 | 6 Comments

Enough is enough!!

First, they tell us we can’t beat the hyper little maniacs anymore. Then, we take the concept of losing out of Little League so that all the kids can be winners (when CLEARLY they are not all winners. I won’t name names) and NOW pediatricians are advocating redesigning the shape of hot dogs so kids don’t choke. (click here) WTF?!?

Who are these kids these days? They don’t go outside and play; they don’t ride bikes. Not to mention, what kind of red-blooded American kid doesn’t suffer from kickball addiction? or dodge ball? or freeze tag? If not them, then who will hang out at the park pool all day? Who will chase the ice cream truck ten blocks and eat Bomb Pops until their tongues are blue and their fingers sticky?

Being a kid is a dying art. There will plenty of time for them to be middle-aged computer geeks with squishy bottoms and sunlight deficiency. Now is the time for them to be outside playing, just two precarious steps from harms’ way (you know, almost drowning, breaking bones, skinning knees) until the street lights come one. Good times! Not sitting at home eating their ergonomically redesigned disc-shaped hot dog pellets with the covered ketchup receptable that prevents eye injury. Who the hell wants that? One day, these little pansies are gonna regret that we robbed them of their childhoods when they’re living for the ever shorter weekends that separate 60-hour work weeks.

Children must learn that only the best make it to the top. In order to make it to the top you must be the smartest, the strongest, the fastest — or at the very least, make sure it’s your turn at the pole when THAT person walks in the club.

-This post is dedicated to the memory of our friend, RIP Robin.

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