It’s not Tiger’s fault that he’s stupid…no more than it’s my fault that I have elbows. It’s just a part of his genetic makeup. I get that. So, I thought I’d help by developing some guidelines for him (and all men should feel to avail themselves of these nuggets)
- You are not different. You are the same dumb-ass dusty creature as the miscreant playing with his balls on your left and the caveman making fart noises in his armpit on your right. Kobe got caught. John Edwards got caught. Even Ronnie DeVoe’s irrelevant ass got caught. YOU, my dumb ass friend, will get caught. But don’t worry, when I see you wandering around the streets with your sawed off dick in your hand, I won’t say “I told you so.”
- Sistahs are not the only ones who will wreck your sh*t. For a long time, white women have been deemed highly desirable because of their warm smiles and sunny dispositions. But I think we’ve learned that even Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farms will snap and set a man’s car on fire (with him in it) under the right circumstances. Don’t get it twisted, Tigress Woods broke the code. She let the cat out of the bag. As we speak, there are four white women waiting in a bush outside her house in white girl camoflauge (or Ugg boots and Juicy shorts…you call it) and war paint to beat that ass into silence. You think she’s not talking cuz of Tiger’s publicity team? OK, for my safety’s sake, I’ll leave it at that.
- STOP documenting! I know you get all hot and bothered. And with your brain experiencing that level of blood loss, it can be hard to make good decisions. But you ain’t seen blood loss until one of you is caught cheating by your main chick. Dude! There are smarter ways than text messages, tweets, facebook posts, and voicemails to express your lust. Instead, try using smoke signals, Morse code or maybe even American sign language. If you must use verifiable communications, please learn and use the African clicking language. Then, if you’re caught, you can always say you’re just a bad speller.
- Ho’s are NOT critical thinkers. You assume that because you have a lot to lose that she understands the implications and will always behave intelligently. That would require her to use her brain. Yet, the part of the body that you engage most is slightly south: her vagina. Which makes me wonder about YOUR brain. Ok, try to remember this: if a groupie had beauty AND brains, she wouldn’t want your married ass to begin with.