I was sitting at home minding watching TV and minding my own business when BAM! out of the blue I was hit with this:
At first, I thought it was holiday greeting from Saturday Night Live…but this was on CBS. No, I had to face reality…this guy is really, seriously suggesting that you make an appointment for your woman to get naked from the waist down and have her innards swabbed. AND that you do it in the spirit of gift giving! Oh, Santa Baby!
Listen, as women, we know the joy of throwing our legs up over the stirrups and doing breathing exercises while someone claiming to be a doctor goes in, often making comments that you’re not entirely sure are appropriate. One male doctor asked me during a procedure if he’d heard a Southern accent from me during our conversation earlier. Look, homie, just because you’re digging around south of south doesn’t make this time to ask if I’m from south in the mouth!! Just git ‘er done and close ‘er up! Another doctor used to describe the sizes of all of her instruments relative to an erect penis. I’m not making this up, people!!! This is not part of the act.
So, anyway, the guy in the PSA starts off wrong by suggesting that a PAP smear (which is the single most disgusting sounding test in the history of man…er, womankind) is something special, like a gift. I knew a guy who bought his wife a Rumba for Christmas. This post is for him because I know he started dialing the number as soon as the PSA concluded. And one should not have to endure two ass-whoopins of that magnitude in one lifetime.
There are two versions of what happens next. In the youtube version, he says “Give her the gift that even Santa can’t deliver.” STOP right there, mister. At the office Christmas party one year, we hired a Santa and he…you know what? Never mind, it’s too easy.
In the broadcast version, he says, “Let her know it’s what’s inside that counts.” What?!? Counts for what? or should I say, “counts for whom.” Oh, all of a sudden, this isn’t a generous well thought out gift. I get it now. This is one of those gifts that fellas “buy for her” but it’s really meant for him! That’s why male-dominated CBS allowed this PSA to play! Ladies, they don’t love us! This is like your man buying you season tickets to the Lakers for Christmas when you don’t even know how many touchdowns they made in their last match! Or, taking their car in for routine maintenance to make sure everything is working order…y’know, lubed up and ready to go!
I get how this works. So, now I’m calling the pharmacy right now to order a present for him. Now, where’s that Tiffany box? Little blue pills should always come in a matching blue box.