For 13 minutes, this guy commanded the attention of millions of people who listened as intently as if he had been sent ahead to announce the Second Coming of the Messiah. Dude, it was a canned apology that predictably hit all of the marks of Public Apology 101 yet it preempted the coverage of the domestic terrorism incident in Austin, had hundreds of media gathered to listen to the apology in a room and captivated the attention of a nation in economic turmoil.
And two hours later, noone has even mentioned the tourney, the other golfers or Accenture at all. We’re all talking Tiger, baby!
Now, while predictable, the apology was a good one. He covered all the bases. He accepted full responsibility for his actions. He admitted that the money and fame made him feel entitled to live above the values with which he was raised. He threw his ho’s under the bus by saying they were easy to come by (I know, right?) He even went so far as to admit that he needed more help and would continue seek it. He did everything right. If you listened carefully, you could hear the soft swoosh of a player card being revoked.
These are the things that Tiger said outright — but if you read between the lines, there were some other things going on in that room. And here’s what I think they were:
1. The Tiger Wood’s needed his sponsors to know he’s on the comeback trail and as soon as he got his marriage under control, the dollars would flow again. Tiger said that the most important things in his life were to regain the trust in his marriage and from his children. However, the most authoritative, decisive statements he made during the apology were those addressed to his employees, his business partners, and indirectly, his sponsors (no not THOSE sponsors, the business ones.) Tiger Woods, Inc. is clearly more remorseful that Tiger Woods, the Man. So, why continue talking about the marriage? The details of his indiscretions are what will kill his brand. Notice the ho’s just silently went away? Paid off. Elin’s gonna be a bit harder…I mean like, Rubik’s cube hard. She’s the Achilles heel of this whole operation.
2. Tiger’s mama is maaaaaad at him. Her jaws were tight, Jake! She sat in that chair with her arms crossed and barely looked at her son while he spoke, glancing only on occasion. Then at the end, when the cameras were pointed directly at her, they hugged like Celie and Nettie after they were reunited. I think I heard a soft “mama bon-ee!” At first, I thought “Oh, Tiger’s mama seems kinda iffy” but then it occurred to me that she was not able to look at her son say this crap on T.V. because she KNOWS he’s not acting so remorseful at home where he’s just Tiger, the man. He was probably on phone with a jump-off last night. Sh*t, he called me Tuesday.
3. I don’t care what HE says, SHE says, or YO’ MAMA says – Elin did so get in that ass last Thanksgiving. The most telling sign is that she wasn’t in that room today. His people know the impact of her absence. These types of apologies don’t work when wifey won’t play along. Why was she not in the room? Because I think she’s still snapping and blacking out whenever she looks at his stupid cheatin’ face (channeling my inner Elin!) I think she’s not yet been able to contain her anger, and she’s a loose cannon. Not only do I think she GOT in that ass, I think she still GETS in that ass on occasion. I’m not condoning domestic violence, I’m just saying I think Tiger Woods needs to be sleeping with one eye open and the other eye on his nunchaku, the ones with the kung fu grip. Not that he should use them on her but a brotha can use them to deflect the bullets.
But all that said, I think Tiger will be back before the year is out — just in time to market the Tiger Woods action hero’s for Christmas, y’know the ones that come with 12 interlocking ho’s and a remote voicemail changer?
Get in line, y’all!!