A Fine Day for Watermelon

Every once in a while, the need to discriminate will arise. That once in a while is today.

This post is just for the white people. I need to talk to you one on one. I’ma need for all the black folks, the Latinos, the mixed nuts and Asians (yes, I said Asians. No, you cannot stay.  You are not “one of them.”  You are not the reason we call them Cauc-asians.)

White folks, please patiently wait while all people of any color at all leave this post.

The thing is – you really, really need to stop thinking of My Boo as articulate. While I believe that your assertion presupposes a distinction of sorts from other black people, that’s not the reason I’m suggesting you refrain. See, folk of color despite what any billboards in Georgia will tell ya’ are reproducing faster than y’all. We got a gang o’ kids conceived in multiple pairings within even a single family. We even had to create a new role within our family structure – baby mama, baby daddy – to accurately describe the familial relationships. That’s huge. There hasn’t been such an addition since black folks added “play cousin” back in the 80’s. So, it’s official, good white people. We’re gonna out number you…and it ain’t a damn thing you can do about it.

Why is this demographic shift important? Because it changes the definition of the word articulate. See, you made a strategic error. You let Jay Z n’em raise your damn kids. The way they see the world changed…at the very least, their sh*t does not match yo’ sh*t anymore. Ain’t just a black and white thing – Jay Z is raisin’ kids of all cultures with a little help from Lil Wayne. That’s all right, you thought you were safe cuz when Kool Moe Dee told you hip hop was dead. It didn’t die, it just grew up, got a job, moved out its mama’s basement and is now driving the new world order. The “ver-Black-ular” as I like to call it, is slowly becoming the new articulate. Take a listen to your kids when they don’t know you’re listening. You’d be surprised how inarticulate them little bastards are. But your kids are learning something that will make them successful as they navigate the demographic shift – how to communicate in the new world order. Because the new consumers, the new colleagues, the new bosses, the new clients won’t all look or sound like you.

The ability to communicate both in the old white way and the new world order is what makes My Boo an effective communicator not his ability to express ideas in a way that only you can understand. We’ve got to get away from the notion that if don’t sound white, then it ain’t right. Look, once when I complained about someone to a white colleague, he looked at me straight in the eye and said, “Oh no, he di-int!!” That was real communication!

Our future is one where “articulate” sounds like Salma Hayek (I love her but you a damn lie if you say you can tell the difference between her heavily accented English and her Spanish) or my mama (God bless her soul but she does use “he” and “she” interchangeably) or Apu (I don’t even know what the hell to say about some damn Apu) or Busta (chile, same thing I said about Apu.) The deal is you’re gonna miss the effin’ boat…cuz you too busy worried about HOW the message sounds rather than WHAT the message is.

That’s what’s happenin’ with My Boo. Y’all not even hearin’ him…you too damn busy worried that he can conjugate. Do you think they let non-articulators into Harvard? To lead the Law Review? (Note: we can all conjugate…but sometimes “I be” is better able to get the point across and really, just sounds, er…smoove, if you will) If you listen to My Boo, he’s offering a solution to a serious problem – the way our country has been run and continues to be run. He’s trying to yank out the problem at the root. He may not have the best solution or even a good solution but he’s putting in a framework for us all to be accountable for finding a resolution.  You don’t like his solution, suggest something else.

I get it that you’ve mastered the colorful colloquialisms, Dan Rather, and I agree – he probably can’t sell watermelons. Not all buck-jumpin’ coons can, y’know, summus still woikin’ on the old massa-comin’ shuffle. But that’s ok! I don’t need a salesman, be it watermelon or otherwise, cuz I’m not hardly tryna vote for another muthaf—- who needs to be sold on restoring this country. I know dat’s right!! And if the GOP uses it as a tool to swing elections, as Rather suggests, than shame on America for buyin’ it. Although for the record, only mindless idiots would vote for a candidate just because the “other party” can’t sell watermelons or healthcare. If they pull it off, G.O.P officially stands for Grandstanding On Peckerwoods.

Sorry, that wasn’t nice.


4 thoughts on “A Fine Day for Watermelon

  1. We really do think alike because I too was more bothered by the use of “articulate” than the watermelon comment. Plus, you know how much I lovvvee watermelon.

  2. You have made a point to notice a shift according to generation. Don’t forget those of us that are the same age as you that received some of our edutainment (thnx KRS-1) from the REAL innovators of Hip Hop that actually spoke and wrote about things besides how dope they are and how many girls they bang– and without using the autotune gizmo that makes one song indistinguishable from another these days. BTW- I agree with Jay-Z…DOA- Death Of Autotune. Guess it turns out I’ve been lumped in as one of “them” after all. Oh, and make sure you watch out for those trash cans when pulling in and out of the driveway, “we” know how “yall” be drivin

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