Someone needs to come clean.
These are not flash mobs. (click here) These are gangs of assholes. And every last face I saw in those mobs was black.
Some how our teenagers have their lost way. Don’t get me wrong, I know other races are having problems with their kids as well. But this ain’t ’bout them, this ’bout us. Sometimes, you just gotta Celie wit’ it.
Here’s what I think happened. These children are the first generation of black kids to NOT be afraid of their parents. And they don’t really know what to do with that. White kids ain’t never been afraid of their parents. They been cussin’ their parents out in Target for hundreds of years. Over time, black kids have observed this, practiced it and eventually used their new skill to break free of parental fear. Now these children are running the streets and wreaking havoc because our culture, in particular, doesn’t work without parental fear. We’re very Asian that way. I know one thing, Armageddon is when Asian kids stop fearing their parents and rebel. Ever tower over a yellow flash mob by two whole feet? Anyway, this is a very real and universal problem because everyone knows black kids are trendsetters. They do something, make it smoke…and before you know it there’s a gang of 30 pie-faced farm kids in Iowa flash mobbing the local dairy farm, leaving a herd of tipped cows in it’s wake. We will have lost control of the country.
The mayor of Philadelphia and the local authorities are planning to call a curfew. All kids under 18 will have to be inside by midnight. Great! Now the flash mobs will now start earlier. That’s exactly what I want – to worry about navigating the underground concourse during rush hour in downtown Philadelphia…being trapped with and trampled by a gang of teenagers underground. No, that’s so not the answer.
But I have an idea.
See, parents are tired, particularly the single parents. God bless ’em…I don’t think many would choose to raise a child alone if there was a better option. But sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. So, here are parents working full time jobs (sometimes more) to provide for these ignant ass kids. At the end of the day, they are exhausted from 10-12 hours of pickin’ cotton…can they really be expected to tack on 6-8 hours of wrasslin’ monkeys? No! Of course not!
According to my plan, single childless people are the answer. What we need the single people to do is flash mob these neighborhoods and high schools…and start knockin’ kids out with one punch. Just…POW!!! These kids are only messing with the folks who won’t take…their…little…asses…OUT!! Drop ’em like it’s hot, one after the other. Just walk up to a teenager, cock yo’ fist back and get straight to the molly whop! Bring back the spanky leg! Break them bitches in! Get all Kimbo Slice with it! Clearly the passive parenting techniques are not working. (Disclaimer: Be careful! These corn-fed babies ain’t the same size they used to be either. Remember, Little Magic works after school catchin’ big dogs for animal control…without a net) It’s time to return to the times when black kids were so scared of our parents that we pee’d in our pants when our daddies were on the way home from work to administer the smack down. We ain’t have no flash mobs back then. All we had was the flash of life that passed before our eyes when we screwed up.
We gotta take responsibility for this. Every one of those children was black. That’s embarrassing. But what’s more embarrassing is the silence our leadership during times like this. Now, if after the flash mob, a white person had stood up and called on of those flash mobbin’ kids a coon, Al and Jesse woulda marched on Philly in their dashiki preachin’ robes, arm in arm, singing Rough Side Of The Mountain. In spite of all our demands of accountability from the power structure, we’ve forgotten to lead by example. And lemme tell you…the powers that be? They will gun our children down. They ain’t worried ’bout no black kids! If we don’t manage our children, the authorities will.
I hate to see all this potential loss. In every flash mob, I see beautiful faces that represent the most brilliant minds, the most loving spirits, the most artistic souls…a most indefatigable people. And I will personally beat a teenager’s ASS before I let them mess up our good thing!