Today In Nerd News: Russian Mathematics Gets Ass Kicked By Mama

I think we need to outlaw the study of abstract mathematics. Once you can count to 20 (21 if you’re a guy…well, 20 and a half for some guys) and memorize your “times tables,” that should be the end of the road, mathematically speaking.  We’ve obviously learned nothing from The Beautiful Mind. 

On a side note, while I’m sure an attractive brain is a lovely quality, it’s not a bad idea to work on making the areas that we can see just a touch more fetching as well.  Really, you’ve got not idea how hard it is to read these articles in the midst of such a hearty guffaw.  But I digress…

Anyway, I don’t want to talk mess about anyone.  So, I’ll talk mess about everyone.   The entire field of mathematics is about cultivating  weirdos and nutballs and folks, the harvest is a-comin’!!

A Russian mathematician was recently awarded the Millenium Prize for solving the Poincare conjecture. (click here) I tried to google a reasonable explanation for what the hell this thing is but my eyes started to bleed and I had to put on my special helmet (you know, the one with the chin strap) just to finish the article.  So, I got nothing.  Just know that I’m sure it’s hard. 

How do I know, you ask?  Cuz’ the effin’ prize is the envy of your colleagues and…$1 million.

But that’s not the story.  The story is that Freddy McFreaky has not yet agreed to accept the money.  He’s thinking about it.

This, my friends, is just the tip of iceberg.  Dude is an unemployed basement pimp, holed up at his mama house – a dilapidated 3 room apartment in Petersburg.  If that’s not some cost benefits analysis for yo’ ass, I don’t know what is.  There are so many things he needs that money for: his mother is aging and needs healthcare, he’s got no income and he CLEARLY needs to hire a dominatrix or an exterminator to beat those caterpillars over his eyes into submission.  Money may not solve all problems but it certainly solves some subset of problems that are a function of cosmetic need and whose limit in this case approaches infinity, y’know?

So, apparently they’ve been tryna call dude but he’s not returning their calls.  They must be calling his cell phone.  Cuz they damn sho’ ain’t callin’ him at home.  Try that.  Let his mama answer the phone, hear? They quote lotsa folk in the article but not his mama.  Tell her that there’s a cool mill sitting out there with Junior’s name on it and his ass is thinking about it.  That will be the end of that dilemma.  If he won’t accept the money to meet his needs, I bet he’ll accept it as a flexible, waterproof textile he can use to build a portable yurt dwelling for when his mama puts him out for being soo smart that he’s come full circle back to do dumb-ass all over again.

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6 thoughts on “Today In Nerd News: Russian Mathematics Gets Ass Kicked By Mama

  1. Kym,
    I don’t have too much to add to your excellent reasoning within your post but, this – this right here – is QUOTE WORTHY: “puts him out for being soo smart that he’s come full circle back to do dumb-ass all over again.”

    YOU NEED a COMEDY SHOW! (For smart people, by the way…)

  2. I bet he’ll accept it as a flexible, waterproof textile he can use to build a portable yurt dwelling for when his mama puts him out for being soo smart that he’s come full circle back to do dumb-ass all over again.

    Oddly enough this too is a proof of the Poincare conjecture

  3. I tried to look that up for you but I was laughing so hard, all I could figure out was, the Poincare Conjecture positively must be the sequel to the Pelican Brief. Unless I’m wrong and it’s the fifth Jason Bourne movie now not in unproduction.

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