“Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”
Has Lady Liberty lost her Harbor floatin’, torch-holdin’ mind? There’s no way in hell we can just throw the doors open that way. This bitch gotta go. We gotta have rules. This legislative nightmare in Arizona is a function of these goddamn foreigners not knowing the rules. The governor of Arizona is not really protesting Mexican illegals. She’s making a valid point that we as a country haven’t done our duty and been proactive enough for the people of Arizona. Now, they’ve got a problem with petty crimes both by and against undocumented people, or worse – serious crime. Stories of drug wars and MS-13 turf wars are terrifying the good people of Arizona. And to make all of that worse, the sheer number of Mexicans in Arizona give natural rise to the most fearful problem of all – the dreaded all night quinceanera next door.
So, I’m not saying close the door. I’m just saying ignore the stupid plaque at Ellis Island. If you meet the following description, I’d like you to do the right thing and go back home.
1. Because American cuisine itself is quite boring, there is real opportunity for us to grow through the contributions of folks coming places where the food is hearty, rustic and delicious. We need to make more room for them. So, if you and your people have nothing delicious to contribute to American cuisine, I’m asking you do the right thing and take yo’ ass back home. You know who you are. You’re the Canadian with the tin full of pemmican. You’re the Scot with the haggis eating through his Rubbermaid container. You’re the Englishman who believes that organ meat is best served gray in a congealed fatty substance of some sort. Hell, you’re even the Frenchman…how many cream based sauces must you have before you hit your limit? According to this standard, the Mexican would be allowed to stay because their food is aromatic, delicious and serves well at any sporting event, especially con queso. Plus they do this thing with chocolate and cinnamon that would make me leave my man, if asked…and if he existed.
2. Because Americans are a rather simple people, we can seriously improve relations with foreign lands if you would kindly keep all of your citizens with names greater than five syllables at home. Don’t nobody wanna be here all day tryna say Grezlandilinginski or Ramasubramananesh or Mushanaokoji. Now, I understand this gives quite an advantage to the Chinese and Koreans with their one syllable names. But they’ll get dinged on a later guideline, I promise. I’m nothing if not fair. Again, the Mexican people get a pass – Americans have gotten used to the Delgados, Perezes and Villas of the world (ok, of the East section of Los Angeles.) Villaraigosa threw us for a loop but did make it in under the five syllable limit.
3. In a related vein, if your name has greater than 4 consecutive consonants with no vowel in site and thus requires all kinds of hacking and hocking to pronounce, kindly get yo’ ass back on the boat and make your way to England. They are notorious spitters and close talkers and would have no problem incorporating your less-than-hygienic name into their national rosters. In fact, given their lower dental hygiene standards, you may enjoy the occasional tooth flying your way as well depending on whether you’re using hard or soft consonant blends to transliterate your name. Mexican people, thanks to the lovely and efficient Spanish language, have absolutely no silent letter in their names. Every letter, consonant and vowel, maintains a consistent, predictable sound. They should get TWO points for that. This makes their names easier for Americans to pronounce than some American names are.
4. If you come from a people who are traditionally shorter than 5 feet tall, please do us all a favor and find another nation. Americans pride ourselves on our greater than world average height. In fact, we feel the upper hand at World Bank and UN meetings when our American diplomats stand up a full two feet taller than their peers during the opening session. And everyone knows Americans like to feel the upper hand. If you don’t believe me, take a look at those Save The Children commercials when the little children run to surround the host as the he speaks into the camera. Those aren’t kids. They are the production staff and employees of the local mayor’s office. C’mon, it’s the middle of the day – the kids are at school…or working for Kathy Lee Gifford in a sewing machine factory. Don’t no kids have time to film a commercial. Now, in all fairness, the Mexicans are barely making it here. So, if Arizona was interested in a legal way to keep undocumented workers out…they shoulda gone with height.
5. Finally, only come here if you’re willing to do the jobs that Americans don’t want to do and live in the places Americans don’t want to live. Think of us as Diana Ross. Don’t try to mix with us, don’t try to talk to us, no direct eye contact, please. We don’t want to see your kids at soccer practice, we don’t want to smell your food outside of the designated restaurants where the more liberal of us will frequent to show how worldly and progressive we are, and for the love of God…enough Goya products already!! I get it – Adobo goes with everything! Look, a good rule of thumb is to always remember that even the most progressive of us, don’t want to see your ass do better than our ass. So, you really become a problem when you start to educate yourself, or buy real estate or start your own business. Try not to do those things unless you’re coming here from an extremely disadvantaged country like Germany or Switzerland or Japan. In those cases, the American people will make an exception. And this, my friends, is where Mexicans disqualify themselves. Only took a coupla generations for them to educate themselves, purchase homes and start businesses. While they just bussing our tables and running after our cars at Home Depot, they weren’t a problem. Now that their houses are nicer than ours, well, certainly their lawns are, they’re a problem. Get ’em out, Gov. Brewer!!
Listen, at the end of the day, making the case for foreigners to come to America should be based on feelings of Americans, get it? Screw the tired, the poor and the huddled masses. Let them work it out on their own. The wretched refuse, the homeless and the tempest-tossed? Let them pull themselves up by their bootstraps…in their own countries!
After all, they did buy round trip tickets, didn’t they?