I had no idea who Eddie Long was but when I saw his picture for the first time, I knew immediately in my heart (as well as in other places) that, outside of physical force, there was nothing this man could do to get me to have sex with him, not today and not when I was a teenager. No, thank you, Mr. Long. I’ll pass on the trip to Africa and the new car so I’d appreciate it if you’d please put your penis away. Thanks, buddy!
Let me first point out that no laws were broken here. The boys, while young, were all over the legal age of sexual consent in Georgia which contrary to popular belief is not 12 but rather 16 (15 if the consenters are first cousins.) So, right, wrong or indifferent, the yocals (oops, I mean, locals) believe that if you expose ‘em to enough heat and moonshine, horny teenagers are mature enough to be groped and fondled not just by one another, but also grown ass predators in jheri curl toupees. The people have spoken.
So, really, what is the issue here? I’m intrigued by the language of the lawsuit which claims that Long coerced the boys into sexual activity. Sounds like someone needs to get Special Victims Unit on the horn. Elliot? Olivia? Let’s not play games. If Long fraudulently or otherwise unlawfully engaged these boys in sexual relations, if their consent was impaired, then he raped them. But no one is using that language. Perhaps because it seems unlikely that there was any actual resistance to his advances.
“Wait, what? What did you just say? Ohhhhhhh, you said, ‘No.’ Sorry, it was really difficult to tell what you were saying with those golden balls resting on your chin. Really high-powered, trickin’ balls…but balls nonetheless.”
The lines of improper behavior here are really unclear. His behavior is not criminal so what’s the basis for the charges? What was the coercion? So, dude bought you a bunch of stuff and then you slept with him. Then, he didn’t want to sleep with you anymore so he stopped buying you stuff. And now you’re mad that you slept with him. I saw the pictures of him in the bathroom. I’d be mad, too. But really, what these fellas are describing doesn’t sound like coercion to me. It’s sounds like dating. Because if what you’re telling me is that rather than just denying the losers in my past, I can sue them…then you’ll excuse me while I get my attorney on Line 1! Stuff for sex and sex for stuff is a time honored American tradition in all it’s euphemized and idiomatic forms…like, uh, marriage, for example.
Let’s go ahead and reduce this to its simplest core. Guilty or not, battle cries notwithstanding, David is going settle out of court with Goliath, not throw rocks. This isn’t about a lawsuit, it’s about a payoff. I’m cool with that. I get it. If these boys have to face the consequences of their decisions, well than so does Long. The most highly coveted booty is expensive. Pay now, pay later. Men, why, oh why, is this so difficult to understand. Here’s some advice: when you are in positions of power and are married, stick with the wife. I know it gets boring but it’s way more fun than having to give away all yo’ shit in the settlement and then half of what’s left to the wife as she walk out the door. At the end of the day, it’s all pink. But therein lies our problem…
What if Long was accused of dabbling in extramarital estrogen? This would be just a blip on the screen and we’d be focusing all of our attention on his wife. “Girl, I can’t believe that mofo is cheating on you!! Get Junebug n’em to beat his ass while we bust the windows out his car!” Jokes aside, how many times do we have to hear THAT story (the cheating part, not the ass whooping…that’s just me talking shit again) before it gets old. But since he was ticklin’ the testosterone, we ain’t even thinkin’ bout his damn wife. What’s her name?
Look, the truth is – evangelism, in the wrong hands, is a lucrative business, not God’s work. Anytime you have that much money flowing in any industry, you’re gonna attract this kinda Type A asshole narcissist that does what he wants regardless of how it impacts others. We’ve heard this, we know this. But move the whole thing down low and you just changed the game.
We are insanely obsessed with homosexuality in this country. And that’s what the Eddie Long uproar is about. According to this loose definition of coercion, young girls get “coerced” into sex every day as a testament to Joe Everyman’s manhood but when good ol’ Joe tricks a young boy out of his pants and, therefore, his power, pandemonium breaks loose. Somewhere in the back of our minds, Eddie Long is acting out our worse fear: a big ‘mo forcing our young innocent boys into sex and recruiting them to the other side, the dark side…because this is what all homosexuals do. They recruit. Which is getting easier and easier because they’re side is lookin’ fab-u-lous!! (Quit playing, y’all know everything they touch becomes instantly more manicured, better dressed, and plays the good disco in the background)
So, this has become a whole big “thing” instead of just “Eddie Long is a douchebag.” It’s sad because based on what I’ve been reading, he probably never belonged in anyone’s pulpit in the first place. And I mean that whether the sexual accusations are true or not. Because now, the entire Christian community will be judged by how Long and we respond to this debacle. That’s really unfair because I missed Sunday School the day they taught us what to do about hot-in-the-drawers church leadership.