I made a decision.
Several weeks ago, I had an opportunity to do something but I passed on it because it didn’t meet the standard that I have worked very hard and been very fortunate to enjoy over the years. I was confident that something more suitable would come along.
As I’ve spent time since then looking for that more suitable opportunity, I had begun to have second thoughts about passing on opportunity in the first place. Last night, for the first time, those thoughts kept me awake. Tossing and turning, I replayed every negative consequence, every bad scenario over again in mind until I was sure that the decision to pass on the opportunity would in fact be the one defining moment that triggered a downward spiral into the depths of despair and poverty, my complete and utter destruction. Yes, I used those words. I used those words because I’m not new at this.
When I finally got of bed in the wee hours without the balm of a good or even mediocre night’s sleep, the anxiety from the previous eight hours sent me straight into fix-it mode. Is it to late to fix it? Can I call them back and see if I still have a chance? In that early morning panic, it never occurred to me that there still existed a possibility that in this entire world there may be another opportunity, one that met my standard and didn’t require me to compromise what I needed for myself at this point in my life. Not…one…time.
But thank God that wisdom sometimes runs on auto-pilot. Something held me back from that fear-induced attempt to settle for the good enough opportunity. As I sat at the kitchen table and panicked, sleep finally tugged at my eyelids. Excited as at the prospect of reuniting with a long lost friend, I ran upstairs and got back into bed quickly before the feeling passed. In that two hour respite from my racing emotions, I had a very simple dream. In my dream, I am staring at a post. A friend is staring from the other side of the post and we are arguing about the color. We see two different colors.
Then I wake up. The realization comes slowly, too much clarity can often knock me on my ass.
I’ve only looked at one side of the passed opportunity. But on the other side, the passed opportunity could be making me available to the opportunity of a lifetime, the stuff dreams are made of and songs are written about and wars are fought over. That could be the color that I see…simply by looking at it from the other side. Passing on the opportunity is just a neutral calculation. The actual facts are completely objective and unchanging. Whether the outcome is good or the outcome is bad, the decision itself remains exactly the same. I am the one assigning all of these feelings to it. And then having feelings about those feelings. In reality, it’s just a simple decision and I can choose to decide how to feel about it just as simply.
So, with that, I made another decision today.
IGNORE THIS PART, PLEASE — **Writing 101 Challenge – Day 1 – Daily Prompt: Today, take twenty minutes to free write. And don’t think about what you’ll write. Just write